Don Farrell, Labor’s dealmaker, ready to give Trump everything

Hello there, I’m Don Farrell, your commerce minister and level man in our ongoing efforts to keep away from the Trump administration levying tariffs on Australian exports.

Now, there’s been some wholly unjustified criticism that Australia ended up, like each different nation, carrying tariffs on aluminium and metal exports to the US. The Albanese Labor authorities regards these tariffs as a completely unjustified assault on the Australian Staff Union and the Australian Manufacturing Staff Union Australia’s globally aggressive metallic producers and we’re persevering with to work onerous to acquire an exemption.

How will we obtain that? Everybody is aware of Donald Trump is all about doing offers. He’s the consummate dealmaker. Nicely, fortunately I’m a consummate dealmaker too. I’ve been doing them for years in ALP back-offices and smoke-filled rooms at occasion conferences. Whether or not it’s knocking off a major minister or pushing a high-profile factional opponent down a Senate ticket, I’m your man relating to getting outcomes.

And I can assure we received’t get outcomes by chucking a hissy match and getting stroppy on the Yanks. They’re our buddies and dependable safety companions. We’re so near the Individuals they’re nearly a part of our authorities. Certainly, I’ve been confiding within the American authorities since earlier than I even grew to become a senator. So don’t be fooled by the Greens Political Social gathering into some kind of anti-Americanism.

So how will I negotiate a cope with Trump? By making him a proposal he can’t refuse. Ha ha, I don’t imply I’m going to threaten his preselection or push him down the Senate ticket! No, right here’s my secret approach for a profitable deal: providing the bloody lot to America!

That’s proper. Some folks might argue you shouldn’t collapse to bullies, that it’s going to solely get you extra bullying. Others say Trump is transactional, and Australia ought to punish America economically in retaliation, making it clear that the retaliation will stop if the tariffs are eliminated. However I reckon pre-emptively providing Trump no matter he needs is the best way to safe a deal.

Take defence spending. In February my pricey colleague on the suitable and fellow confidante of the Individuals Richard Marles went to Washington handy them a US$500 million cheque to assist them construct extra submarines for America. Some naysayers have mentioned that, realizing tariffs have been coming, we should always have instructed the Individuals we have been going to carry off on the cost till issues have been clearer about Australia’s exemption from tariffs. However I mentioned not a little bit of it — give ’em the cheque! They’ll be so grateful they’ll fortunately agree to contemplate an exemption. And it labored!

Ditto at this time, we introduced we have been going to pay Lockheed to make some US-designed missiles for us — as a part of a plan for higher defence cooperation with our pricey safety companions. Once more, some unfavorable nellies would possibly say that we may have waited and used it as leverage concerning the tariffs. Garbage, I say — handing them much more cash will simply remind the Individuals who we’re and the way we’ll at all times be queueing as much as purchase their gear, an element that absolutely will play into their interested by how you can deal with us.

However the huge prize is providing the Individuals entry to our vital minerals. We’ve obtained megatonnes of the issues, simply mendacity round within the floor ready to be dug up and processed. Trump needs vital minerals! That’s why he needs to invade Greenland, and Canada, and switch Ukraine into the world’s largest US mining firm. However what if he didn’t need to do any of these issues — what if we simply handed our minerals over to him as an alternative? No want for invasions, or issues with these pesky Canadians, or that recalcitrant Zelenskyy character (not that we don’t Stand With Ukraine — we Stand With Ukraine, even when we’re not going to supply a operating commentary).

Simply come to Australia and dig ’em up! Lithium! Nickel! Manganese! Uncommon earths! Out they go! Sale sale sale! We’re giving them away! It’s the deal of a lifetime! Provide ends quickly! Our operators are standing by in your name! Phrases and circumstances apply.*

After all there’ll be some whingers complaining that every one that is being finished behind closed doorways. Similar to these bloody teals complained that my deal to pay main political events extra funding was nutted out with Dutts behind closed doorways to freeze them out (let me repeat, as the final word dealmaker, that’s the fucking level.)

However as I at all times say, what’s the purpose of a door if you happen to don’t shut it? Defeats its personal objective! And also you’ll all get to know the way good a deal I’ve finished once we’ve finalised it and signed off on it, so what’s the hurry? Is Don, Is Good.

*Really, no, no phrases and circumstances apply.

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