Any inaccuracies or points with the next bullets are to be blamed on Chimay and/or terrible Hollywood executives:
Militaries all over the world would have shut this shit down in about 3 days.
Owen is a…cowboy? What’s the dino model of a cowboy? Is that this film desirous to be a western?
I don’t care if that dinosaur is a herbivore, it will have stomped Owen into the bottom after he wrapped a noose round its god damned neck.
We’re 12 minutes in and Owen is already doing the Jurassic Drive gesture factor. In equity, that’s like 10 minutes and 30 seconds longer than I assumed they’d final.
This CGI is silly.
Why did the T-Rex 65 million years in the past have feathers however the one now doesnt? Frog DNA trigger the dearth of feathers? I in all probability missed one thing about this after I fell asleep throughout Fallen Kingdom.
$500,000 for a dinosaur? That’s two motion pictures in a row the place they’ve gotten the market worth of a dinosaur hilariously flawed.
How lengthy till the clone woman tells Bryce Dallas Chastain that she’s not her mom?
Jurassic locusts are apparently a factor.
Laura dern remaking Sam Neill’s “pulling off the sun shades awkwardly” was pandering. I’d’ve beloved it if she wasn’t ….lifeless grass.
Laura, Sam, and Jeff deserved higher. However then once more, they learn the script and signed on, so possibly not?
Random thought: A part of the great thing about the unique was the escapism/isolationism from the true world. This film missed this. Cease placing dinosaurs right here and return to placing people there. Jurassic World is a fucking masterpiece subsequent to this.
“Grant, you’re gonna need to see this” is extra pandering, and now it’s changing into exhausting.
This CGI is silly.
Ellie’s single. God damnit, we don’t want Jurassic Romance. Don’t. Do. This.
Why am I watching the prolonged model of this? That’s like asking a dentist to drill deeper on a root canal.
Owen hand gesture #2.
Clone Lady – “You cant preserve me right here, you’re not my mom!” Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Owen is as soon as once more speaking in English to a prehistoric killing machine. “I’m going to get him again, I promise you that”. Steven Speilberg is rolling over in….uh nevermind.
Oh cool, heavyset laptop man in a tie. Simply ready for him to program one thing to say “Nuh, uh, uh!”
This CGI is silly.
Oh hey cool it’s the principle character from Archive 81. I can’t watch for season 2 on Netflix!
“It took fish and wildlife 3 years to catch the t-rex”. In the meantime we shot one with a tranq and caught it like 27 years in the past with one shot. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Does the army similar to…not exist on this universe anymore?
DODGSON, ITS DODGSON! SEE, NOBODY CARES! Btw, Why isn’t Cameron Thor taking part in him once more?
“He slid into my DMs” Are you god rattling fucking kidding me? Ellie Fucking Sattler would by no means say some ridiculous shit like that.
I hope a dinosaur eats this barista.
Thank god Sam Neill hasn’t mentioned or executed something silly to date. Stick with it, Sam!
Henry, are you able to simply not fuck up one time please? I imply that cardigan is a large enough crime.
Look, I don’t know what a child dinosaur is meant to seem like, however this stuff seem like ALF. I don’t know if that’s traditionally correct, however I don’t know sufficient to dispute it both.
I’ve actually no fucking thought what’s occurring on this film. Claire is at a black market dino combat? What sort of shit had been the writers on?
I feel Chris Pratt is a decently humorous man – why have they got him play this position so significantly? Say what you need in regards to the man, however he’s the one comedic actor within the core solid of those Jurassic World motion pictures and also you don’t even attempt to make him remotely humorous? Simply him being a bit extra lighthearted within the position alone would increase the standard of the film, albeit barely.
Let’s see what number of dangerous guys we will introduce on this convoluted mess of a film.
Oh, all you want is a laser pointer to get raptors to assault your enemies? Faculty professors now probably the most highly effective beings on the planet.
That was the lamest torture scene ever. The girl didn’t even act like {the electrical} shock harm her.
Bryce Jessica Chastain’s stunt double appears NOTHING like her and it’s distracting as fuck.
I actually don’t perceive what I’m doing with my life.
Hey, let’s not let the way more skilled raptor coach do the dive roll. Let’s let the man who “by no means obtained the timing proper” do it whereas Chris Pratt pushes a purple button. The fuck.
I’m positive when Michael Crichton invented this universe he thought, “it’ll take some buildup, however finally we’ll get to the purpose the place we will embody excessive pace chases between dust bikes and raptors.” Glad to see his legacy lastly coming to fruition.
“Pull over” “That’s not how planes work”. Have we hit “so dangerous it’s good” ranges?
You haven’t lived till you’ve seen a raptor experience a mud bike out of a shifting aircraft.
“Are you harm?” “Yeah. Yeah, yeah I’m”. “You’re? WHERE?!?” “Nowhere, I’m okay.” What within the precise fuck is that this writing?
The place does this rank amongst “greatest squandering of a solid ever”? It feels…up there. We’re not at Gangster Squad or Monuments Males degree, however there’s some nicely revered actors right here and it’s simply….one thing else.
This CGI is silly.
The locusts are free. I simply want Nic Cage on this film yelling “NOT THE BEES!”
God rattling fucking Ellie and Allen romance shit. Cease it.
Tim Prepare dinner Dodgson is probably the most boring villain in film historical past.
I’m at the least considerably happy that they didn’t do the Will-They-Or-Wont-They factor with Claire and Owen on this film. I hate them each, and I’m glad they are going to be depressing collectively for a really very long time.
Oh I actually admire the throwback to JPIII after they’re caught within the tree. Im so fucking nostalgic for JPIII of all issues. Fuck whoever made this film.
That dinosaur simply bitch slapped that different animal. That was admittedly humorous. I laughed tougher at that than I’ve laughed at Chris Pratt in 3 motion pictures.
Please kill Claire, please kill Claire
I am with {the teenager} – keep within the bulletproof tube. I imply, I’m not one to argue with Alan Fucking Grant, however I’ve my issues.
Tim Prepare dinner firing Jeff Goldblum wasn’t on my bingo card for immediately, however right here we’re.
Dodgson’s unique actor from JP1 is seemingly a colossal piece of shit, however why did they make this man be that character? Simply write in a brand new villain. I don’t get this.
“You rapacious rat bastard” – at the least Goldblum obtained one good line off on this shitshow.
Look, I get that individuals “ship” Alan and Ellie. However I all the time loved that they simply admired each other and it simply by no means occurred. This storyline sucks. Possibly I’m only a grumpy outdated man, although.
“We do not apologize for our errors, we erase them.” OH LOOK WHAT A BIG MEAN VILLAIN MAN I AM. Fuck every little thing.
It’s the Descent, dino fashion!
GET THE HAT! I really agreed with this resolution.
So, the dinosaur isn’t going to assault them, he’s simply going to push a cart at them…menacingly.
Possibly if we play the JP theme, yall wont hate this film. No, no, we nonetheless do.
Extra pandering with the Dilophosaurus, and Chris Pratt (after choking a bitch) says “go on GIT!”, and this vicious prehistoric killing machine…runs away?
This CGI is silly.
HEY EVERYONE A VEHICLE IS LOCATED PRECARIOUSLY ON THE EDGE OF A PRECIPICE, DOESN’T THIS MAKE YOU REMEMBER THE ORIGINAL MOVIE FONDLY?
Let’s play the JP theme track once more so that you all gained’t hate this shit sandwich.
DeWanda Sensible has lovely eyes. One optimistic on this film.
Extra JP1 pandering with the jeep nudging by Gigantobrontoplesioraptorsausaurus. This film is like The Drive Awakens’ cousin who was injured in a boating accident.
Ellie Sattler, 54 yr outdated lengthy bounce champion.
Jessica Chastain simply tased that bitch within the eye! I’m positive these 200 amps actually harm that 20 ton dinosaur!
Tim Prepare dinner is huge mad.
Jeff Goldblum buttoning his prime button is hilarious (and doubtless disappointing for a lot of viewers) and he’s been severely underutilized on this film.
I really need Ramsey, Tim Prepare dinner Shitty Dodgson~~,~~ and the barista from earlier to get eaten by Blue.
“You made a promise….to a dinosaur?” Thanks Jeff Goldblum for at the least giving me one thing to unironically snort at on this shitheap.
Oh God Damnit, now Clone Lady is doing the Jurassic Drive factor.
Okay now Alan is doing it. I’m shocked (and terribly upset) Sam Neill didn’t inform the writers to go fuck themselves.
Seeing Jessica Howard and Laura Dern combat off some dinos was okay, within the grand scheme of issues.
DODGSON! DODGSON! SEE EVERYONE ITS DODGSON! HE’S DEAD! Nobody cares.
Thank god Goldblum is right here to maintain this from actually being the worst film I’ve ever seen. “See….each….ugh!” I really like this man.
I don’t suppose that’s how helicopters work, however I don’t know sufficient to dispute it.
If Maisie dies, simply make one other clone – what’s the large deal?
Take a look at how they did my boy T-Rex.
For fucks sake with the Ellie and Alan factor.
Oh thank god Henry lastly obtained his comeuppance for nearly destroying life as we all know it….oh wait.
This CGI is silly.
“The animals will stay there free, secure from the skin world.” Positive, what might go flawed!
They’re establishing Clone Lady to steer the subsequent trilogy. Fuck.
“Oh hey, there’s a lethal raptor whose child I simply had in my jeep. Let me smile at it for a minute.”
I ought to’ve watched Gigli.
