It will need to have felt like Christmas for Australia’s media this week, when circumstances gave journalists two of their favorite content material turbines: a high-profile American politician speaking about Australia and Paul Keating sounding off on the problems of the day.
After the razor-tongued former PM stated Taiwan was “Chinese language actual property” and “not a significant Australian curiosity”, former US speaker of the home Nancy Pelosi appeared on ABC’s 7.30, largely to go all Mark Wahlberg about what would have occurred if she’d seen Donald Trump in the course of the January 6 riots on Capitol Hill (“I must beat him up, and I’d most likely need to go to jail for beating him up, and that will be okay with me”).
However she additionally took the chance to say Keating had made “a silly assertion”, which in flip prompted an announcement from Keating, condemning Pelosi’s “recklessly indulgent go to to Taiwan in 2022”.
After all, headlines that begin with “Paul Keating slams… ” are so frequent it may be arduous to know the way huge a deal this actually is. Crikey, as ever, is right here to assist with our new “Paul Keating Sledge-O-Meter™”, a definitive and ongoing rating of Keating slams each out and in of workplace.
Tier 1: Flogging with Heat Lettuce
That is the decrease finish of the Keating sledge. Its identify is taken from his description of then opposition chief John Hewson’s debate efficiency in 1989. This tier is for the slams that simply don’t fairly obtain (eg. the Pelosi quips).
[The Greens are] a bunch of opportunists and Trots … Ratting on Rudd with the ETS scheme and strolling away from the Malaysia answer, issues that required a little bit of braveness … they may’ve been the yellows
On the Greens’ makes an attempt to win Anthony Albanese’s seat in 2016. Commonplace stuff.
I’ve by no means seen any public determine as imply or mean-spirited as Peter Dutton. At this election, these electors in Dickson have an opportunity to drive a political stake via his darkish political coronary heart.
Coming within the lead-up to Labor’s disastrous 2019 federal election loss, it may need been remembered extra fondly by Keating aficionados if it hadn’t allowed Dutton to repeat his personal phrases again to him when, on election night time, electors in Dickson declined to take Keating’s recommendation.
You have been heard in silence, so a few of you scumbags on the frontbench ought to simply wait a minute till you hear the responses from me.
In 1984 in response to Andrew Peacock, then Liberal chief. Feels pretty weak, but it surely will need to have touched a nerve, as a result of the Liberals stored bringing it up for a decade.
Tier 2: Trimming the eyebrows
Stable, or in any other case noteworthy, however we all know he has higher within the locker.
[Adam] Bandt is a bounder and a distorter of political fact.
In 2022 in regards to the Greens chief. Solely simply sneaks in as a result of we’re suckers for old-timey insults like bounder, blaggard, cad, scoundrel, and so forth.
While you say to individuals, ‘you may’t get collectively at work, you may’t organise your situations’, you’re again to the sooner a part of the economic revolution, and that’s the place [John] Howard belongs. He’s a pre-Copernican obscurantist.
On industrial relations in 2007. A pleasant flip of phrase, however barely dulled by overuse.
You boxhead, you wouldn’t know. You might be flat out counting previous 10. You silly, foul-mouthed grub.
In 1985, on Wilson Tuckey.
We heard from the chief of the opposition about me, about my travelling allowance, in regards to the suntanned home windows and in regards to the white automotive. These are the snide remarks thrown round by the chief of the opposition. However I’ll by no means get to the stage of wanting to steer the nation standing in entrance of the mirror each morning clipping the eyebrows right here and clipping the eyebrows there with Janette and the children: It’s like ‘Spot the eyebrow’.
In 1986, on John Howard.
It is best to hold your head in disgrace. I’m shocked you even have the gall to face up in public and ask such a query, frankly. You should do the correct factor and drum your self out of Australian journalism.
In 2023 on a 9 journalist. Onerous to know the place to place this one. It had a huge impact as a result of it was aimed toward a person journalist, and there’s nothing the media likes greater than to make use of a private assault to remind everybody how necessary we actually are. It prompted reams of protection and commentary. Nevertheless it has not one of the wit or musicality of Keating’s finest work.
Tier 3: Going Troppo
The A-grade materials.
He’s wound up like a thousand-day clock! Yet one more half flip and there’ll be springs and sprockets all around the constructing … Mr Speaker, give him a valium.
In 1995, on John Howard.
The little desiccated coconut is underneath stress and he’s attacking something he can get his palms on.
In 2007 on John Howard.
I suppose that the Honourable Gentleman’s hair, like his mind, will recede into the darkness.
In 1984 on Andrew Peacock.
It was the limpest efficiency I’ve ever seen … it was like being flogged with a heat lettuce. It was like being mauled by a lifeless sheep.
In 1989, on John Hewson.
Effectively, the factor about poor outdated Costello, he’s all tip and no iceberg.
In 2007 on Peter Costello
He’s merely a shiver in search of a backbone to run up.
In 1991, on John Hewson once more.
[Anthony Albanese is reliant on] two critically unwise ministers, Penny Wong and Richard Marles.
In 2023. Removed from his best second of wit, Keating’s ongoing savaging of AUKUS is within the prime tier for that very motive: it was a bald assertion, not possible to misread or take again, aimed toward two at present serving senior ministers representing his personal social gathering.
What Paul Keating slams have we missed? Tell us within the feedback or by writing to letters@crikey.com.au. Please embody your full identify to be thought-about for publication. We reserve the correct to edit for size and readability.
